Thursday, December 10, 2009
Alone? Lonely?
Have you ever felt completely alone in a crowd of people? Afraid to reach out? Scared you'll be hurt again if you show you are vulnerable? I tell myself not to let myself get caught in this and yet I've seen so many people walk away that I gave my heart to. I stand there stoic and plaster a fake smile and say, "I'm fine." I'm putting one foot in front of the other these days hoping the rope doesn't break. I can't talk about it...talk about me. What if they walk away also? The idea that man is not an island just doesn't make sense to me. So easy for me to say to others to have a leap of faith. My faith -- at least for now -- is quiet and I can hear the hollowness of my soul. White outside the window; black inside me.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It never seems to go away
I need a "safe" place to put my thoughts. A diary just for me.
I had an affair. There I said it. My family doesn't know; his family doesn't know. It was nothing or at least that what he says now. Just sex between two married people. I could have dealt with that. Was prepared to deal with that. Only wanted that. HE changed the rules. HE didn't want to be thought of as a slab of meat. HE wanted me to think - feel - tell him. I explored that possibility and realized I was developing feelings for him far beyond a physical relationship. After a few months, HE decided he couldn't make a commitment but we could still be friends with benefits, right? Of course now so much time has passed and our lives don't intersect. He doesn't remember. He doesn't care. After all why should he? It was just sex, right?
I can't believe I'm still angry about this after 4 years. I have imaginary conversations, everything from romantic fantasy to "we can be friends" to he doesn't exist. Imaginary because we will never have any of those conversations. I can't believe it can still be this painful after 4 years. Songs, smells, hearing his name brings back all those feelings I'm not suppose to have. I've even been with other men but I can't get him out of my soul. And the pathetic truth is if we had the opportunity to develop a real relationship, it would fail. We have so little that could grow between us. But the question remains, why does it never seem to go away
I had an affair. There I said it. My family doesn't know; his family doesn't know. It was nothing or at least that what he says now. Just sex between two married people. I could have dealt with that. Was prepared to deal with that. Only wanted that. HE changed the rules. HE didn't want to be thought of as a slab of meat. HE wanted me to think - feel - tell him. I explored that possibility and realized I was developing feelings for him far beyond a physical relationship. After a few months, HE decided he couldn't make a commitment but we could still be friends with benefits, right? Of course now so much time has passed and our lives don't intersect. He doesn't remember. He doesn't care. After all why should he? It was just sex, right?
I can't believe I'm still angry about this after 4 years. I have imaginary conversations, everything from romantic fantasy to "we can be friends" to he doesn't exist. Imaginary because we will never have any of those conversations. I can't believe it can still be this painful after 4 years. Songs, smells, hearing his name brings back all those feelings I'm not suppose to have. I've even been with other men but I can't get him out of my soul. And the pathetic truth is if we had the opportunity to develop a real relationship, it would fail. We have so little that could grow between us. But the question remains, why does it never seem to go away
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